Dragoncaller (dragoncaller) wrote,
Dragoncaller
dragoncaller

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What the hell happened to Pizza?

It's the latest craze, meaning crazy insane shite stupidity. It's a bunch of, well, let's call them pizza preparers because they certainly are not chefs, who want to hide the fact that they are horrible people and incompetent at their jobs and are better suited to stand in parking lots and dodge cars, have put up this pizza assaulting smoke screen in order to convince you that you've been doing it all wrong your entire life and everything you know is wrong and they have the truth. This is like DASCH trying to tell you the 7th century is great and we should all go back to it to distract you from their true motive of abusing women which is only a double screen to conceal they have no penises.

Pizza.

I shouldn't call it pizza. What it is, is a desperate plea for help from someone who wants to be euthanized but can't muster the guts to do so.

What they've done, since they lack the skill, talent and imagination to create real pizza, is put forth a demonic abomination as pizza and convince you otherwise. This is the story of the Emperor's New Clothes.

And when you call them on it, they cry, "You can't make fun of our iconoclastic take on tradition!"

How can you claim to be a trendsetter and rebel if EVERYONE ELSE IS DOING IT? That doesn't make you a bad boy of the pizza world, it makes you a sheep. And making bad pizza is NEVER something to brag about.

What they've done is take a cracker, smear red sauce on it, have a pointed discussion about cheese near it and serve it up something that looks like infected zombie flesh to you claiming it is gourmet.



Seriously, they can't even make them round! Proof right there they should give up their aprons, turn off the ovens and get jobs as that guy who hands you a towel in the men's room.

When you challenge them they quickly hide all cowardly like and claim it's grandma's recipe from the Old Country.

Really? You're hiding behind Grandma? Grandma also has yer nuts in a jar for ya waiting for the day ya finally grow into them?

Lemme tell you about the Old Country. The Old Country is somewhere other than the US of A where a bunch of people were sitting around saying, "THIS PLACE SUCKS AND THE PIZZA IS CRAP!" So much so they got on non-sea worthy ships and made a peril fraught trip to the NEW WORLD where they had the freedom to make good pizza. Let's be real, if the pizza was any good in the Old Country, they'd all still be there. They made pizza what it is today. Good. Thin crust, a little crisp, and little chew, rich tomato sauce and cheese that flows evenly from crust to crust.

But we can't have nice things.

There is always going to be that guy who has to muck it up for everyone.

I give this another year where it will join the ranks of The Mullet and Anti-Vaxxers.
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