88 hours and thirty seconds.
88 hours and forty five seconds.
And so on until the sun explodes and the universe grinds to a halt.
When I was young, butter was bad for you. Like slow acting poison bad, clogging your arteries. Then it was eggs. Then it was salt. No butter, eggs or salt.
88 hours and 4 minutes and 54 seconds.
Meat was now bad, bacon the worst.
Then it was fat. All fat. All fat was bad. Here, eat this pasta. Jim Fixx was a god back then and had the whole nation running in dainty nylon shorts until their knees turned to dust. You needed to carbo load to run marathons. To have energy. Everyone, eat carbs! No meat butter salt fat eggs but pasta, Prince Spaghetti day every day! Run and you'll be an imortal eating pasta and carbos!
Jim Fixx said he would never die from a heart attack.
88 hours 10 minuets.
Cheese was now death. The government was handing out huge blocks of cheese until the word came it was bad for you. Then milk, of course. Milk is bad. No other animal consumes the milk of another animal. Only humans do this and it is WRONG!
Florida, the state, made a law to call Skim milk, milk product. Really? It's milk for goodness sake!
88 hours 19 minutes 10 seconds (I had a call)
Where was I?
Milk is bad for you and of course Ice Cream which has not only milk and cream, and butter and fat and salt and bacon and eggs. Well, mine has bacon.
But now everything you've heard is wrong. All wrong. The Earth IS flat! The moon is a painted back drop. Stepping on a crack will cause your mother serious injury. There is, in fact, a monster hiding under your bed who is only thwarted by hiding under your sheets.
Carbs are bad and Eggs, butter, Fat, Meat, Cheese are all good!
I shit you not. That is what they're saying! But here is the real kick in the pants: Carbohydrates, rice, potatoes, Pasta, are BAD! Can you believe this? What bizarre world is this? Trump is president, Arnold Schwazennager is a liberal, Pizza is bad!
Pizza? Is this world worth living in?
88 hours, 34 mins and 19 seconds since I started my LOW CARB diet.
I've restricted myself, (NOT MY DOCTOR WHO SAYS I"M FINE) to less than 150 carbs a day. A shot of milk in my coffee is 1 carb, so milk is still bad.
If you've followed along on Face book, you've seen my creations. I'm following recipes from an actual book. For you born before Televisions were in wooden boxes called Sets and not monitors, a book is this recording device that uses flattened tree pulp and ink. No, really, there is such a thing. So much so that it's be the prevailing recording device for OVER A HUNDRED YEARS! Yes, before the history time. You can even put pictures in this book and like your phone slide from one picture to the next. Well this, BOOK, has instructions on how to cook. Do what it says and your stuff should look like the picture.
Uncharacteristically I did just that and my dinner looked just like the picture in the book.
And it tasted great!
Now, here is the kicker. There are liars out there. The same ones who said bacon was bad. Evil people with a phallic device stuffed up their fudge tunnels who have had themselves surgically neutered to insure they will never know pleasure or fun again and want nothing more than you to never have fun and know the concept of giggle, spring, and climax, will tell you things like, YOU'LL NOT MISS PASTA ONE BIT! and YOU WON'T BE HUNGRY!
Big, fat, fucking liars, (figuratively) shoot your fucking selves now. Please, now, go to the subway and mentally envision throwing yourself in front of the train and go home and feel bad for a while.
I'm following the goals, the instructions, the BOOK and fuck me (Figuratively) with a horned melon. I'm eating a tasty and properly prepared meal and in the middle of it I'm hungry. At the end I'm hungry and an hour later I'm hungry. I have LOW CARB snacks which make me hungry.
I know who you are! You're the dickies fuck who said Veggie Burgers taste like REAL burgers. I so want to draw a picture of stuffing you into a sausage maker and then coloring it in with crayons.
Why don't people tell the truth anymore? This is going to suck and you will be miserable for the rest of your life. You won't be immortal, and you forever be sad, crying each night knowing tomorrow you again have to live without pizza, but you more than likely will loose weight.
Some people did loose weight.
88 hours 50 minutes, 30 seconds.
I better be loosing some weight or some of you fuckers will be in my next novel and your character will die sliding down a 100 yard cheese grater.
Pray I succeed!