Dragoncaller (dragoncaller) wrote,

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Worst movie of all time

I my sick induced brain, I thought it would be neat to watch this movie.

The Human Centipede by Tom Six

I'm all for horror and bad horror at that. But this isn't horror as more as a horrible movie. It is best described as, "scatological torture porn" and I must agree. I watched it only because of the bizarity, the curiosity one gets when one stands outside of a circus freak show, looking at the pictures of human deformity and wondering what it's all about.

I will tell you and I will spoil it for you to save you the loss of one hour and 31 minutes of your life. I will not put it behind a cut so go elsewhere if you'd like.

An evil surgeon kidnaps three people named, A,B,and C. Not their names, but you won't care. The mad doctor surgically connects the face of B to the butt of A and the face of C to the butt of B forming a Human Centipede. He cuts the tendons in their knees so they must crawl like a centipede and B and C have their teeth yanked out.

The doctor explains with stick figure drawings that as A eats, his excrement will pass to B who will then feed anally C. The best line of the movie is when A takes a dump, force feeding B, the doctor exclaims maniacally, "Yes! Feed her! Feed the bitch!"

Days go by and the doctor realizes that B is constipated and C is dying of sepsis. As he makes plans to fix this, the cops show up asking questions. The doctor tried to knock out the cop with a date rape drug and the cops reaction is, 'did he just try to drug us?' So the cops go get a warrant to search the place and leave.

Meanwhile the centipede has actually thought of escaping and has found a scalpel in the lab. A stabs the doctor in the right foot and left leg. The doctor falls and is knocked out. Instead of the finishing the job, A bites the doctor, then makes good their escape making a long, painfully slow escape. So long that the doctor wakes up and the cops come back with their warrant.

While the cops wait at the door, the Doctor, crawling because of his injuries and is armed with a scalpel, seeming the only weapon he could find. A, in typical horror fashion puts down the two foot long heavy brass lamp that he could have used as a blunt instrument to fight the doc and instead picks up a shard of glass and slits his own throat. B and C, still connected are now really stuck.

The cops get tiered of waiting and kick open the door and split up. Now keep in mind, there are only two cops to search this entire house, guns drawn. The doctor somehow manages to get one cop's gun and shoots him with it. This happens off camera so you get to figure out how the crawling around on the ground doctor armed only with a scalpel takes out a gun ready cop. Hearing the shot, the second cop runs in to find his dead partner and he is also shot, but the cop returns fire, killing the doctor. The cop then falls into the pool and drowns.

Last we see B and C. C just gives up the ghost and dies of Sepsis leaving B, her face and ass connected to two dead people. And... fade to black.

That is it.

The actors did a decent job in taking their roles seriously and saved the movie which may explain why it got a whole bunch of awards and stuff. The director did a decent job directing. The writer bragged that the whole thing was 100% medically correct and I have to question that. The dialogue was forced, contrite and predictable. I didn't bother to put on subtitles and knew what was being said in German and Japanese. The only reason to watch this till then end was to see if there was any redeeming value to the movie. Unless you have a mad doctor medical fetish, there isn't.

I think the only attraction is the latent bondage. The cute girls, B and C, their mouths stitched to the guy's butt are effectively gagged, fettered, and unable to move very much. The guy, A, proves to be an idiot who seems to only want to try to escape when the doctor is watching them. I can't decide if the director is misogynistic, or just thinks everyone is stupid.

It's just a creepy movie at best.

Don't waste your time. While there is something compelling in its morbidity, unless you like watching slow motion train wrecks, there isn't enough booze to make this entertaining.
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